How To Handle A Failed Transfer – As The Surrogate

Imagine this scenario. After years of considering it, Anna, a nurse from Boise finally decided to become a surrogate. After applying, she went through an in depth screening process, matched with intended parents, signed contracts, took weeks of meds, then flew out of state for the transfer. Now, 9 days later she FINALLY gets to go to the lab for bloodwork to confirm pregnancy!!! She is sure her breasts are tender and she’s starting to feel tired and nauseous, all the tell tale signs of early pregnancy.. But, when the doctor calls, her results tell otherwise. Her betas are low. The transfer failed. WHAT!? How can this be? She has always gotten pregnant so easily and never experienced any complications or loss. The thought of a failure hadn’t even crossed her mind. 

Unfortunately things don’t always go as planned the first time. Or the second. Or at all. No one ever wants to talk about these possibilities because we don’t want to add any bad juju, negative thinking or stress. Only “sticky thoughts” and “positive vibes” I’m the same and do believe there is power in positive thinking (although I am the eternal optimist). Although this wasn’t our surrogate Anna’s baby, it hurts much more than she expected. 

If you are going through something similar let me be the first to tell you, this was not your fault. Naturally, you feel guilt and think of all the things you could have done differently to make this work. You wanted this so bad and now you’re left with doubt and wondering if you really can do this. Although all of these feelings are painful, they are perfectly normal

Now what? You will stop taking all the medications and will start your period. Take some time to let your body and emotions do what they need to do to process all of this. Have a good cry, talk it out with a good friend, spend the day in bed in your pajamas, do whatever self-care you need. 

On the other side, your intended parents are experiencing the loss also. If they still have embryos left they are likely sad, disappointed and frustrated (not at you, at the situation) but also mentally moving to the next step. They have gotten this far and they are determined to keep moving forward. After everyone has taken some time, your agency should help walk everyone through what the next steps are. Make sure you take the time you need so you can be in a good mental and physical space before your next transfer. You should have a psychologist at your disposal should you need some extra support. 

If you have any questions about this or need someone to talk to, please reach out to us. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.