Mother’s Day can be one of the most tender and complicated days of the year. For many, it’s filled with celebration and joy. But for those walking through infertility, loss, and/or the long road of building a family through assisted reproduction or surrogacy, it can feel isolating, heavy, and painful. What can make it more difficult is that the people who love and support them often don’t know what to say or unintentionally say the wrong thing.
This isn’t because people don’t care. It’s usually the opposite. When we don’t know how to respond to something as emotionally complex as infertility, especially when we haven’t struggled with it ourselves, we reach for comfort. We try to fix it, soften it, and offer hope. But infertility isn’t something that can be quickly resolved with a reassuring phrase, and well-meaning words can sometimes land in ways we don’t intend.
Understanding how to show up for someone going through infertility starts with empathy and awareness. It’s not about saying the “perfect” thing. It’s about saying something that makes them feel supported and not alone. In this blog, we’ll walk through some of the most common phrases people often say with good intentions, why they can be hurtful, and how to shift that language into something more supportive and compassionate so you can show up in a way that truly makes a difference.
One of the most common things people say is, “Everything happens for a reason.” While this is often meant to provide comfort, it can feel dismissive to someone who is grieving. Infertility isn’t just a temporary inconvenience, it’s often a personal loss of expectations, control over their own family building journey, and sometimes their identity. Suggesting there is a reason behind that pain can unintentionally minimize what they’re experiencing. A more supportive approach might be, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m here for you.” This keeps the focus on their experience rather than trying to explain it away. It allows space for their feelings without placing meaning or expectation on their journey.
Another phrase that is frequently spoken/offered is, “Just relax, it will happen.” This can be particularly frustrating because it oversimplifies a complex medical and emotional process. Infertility is not caused by stress alone, and suggesting that relaxation is the solution can make someone feel like they are somehow responsible for their situation. Instead, consider saying, “I can’t imagine how hard this must be. If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here to listen.” This acknowledges the reality of what they’re going through and gives them control over whether or not they want to share.
You may also hear, “At least you know you can get pregnant,” or “At least you have options like IVF or surrogacy.” While these statements are intended to give hope, they can unintentionally invalidate the grief that comes with infertility or pregnancy loss. Having options doesn’t erase the emotional weight of the journey, nor does it guarantee an outcome. A more thoughtful alternative would be, “I know this process can be really overwhelming. I’m here to support you however you need.” This recognizes both the complexity and uncertainty of their experience without trying to reframe it as something positive.
Another common misstep is comparing experiences. Statements like, “My friend went through this and now she has three kids,” or “It happened for my sister when she stopped trying,” can feel isolating instead of encouraging. Every infertility journey is different, and comparisons can create pressure or feelings of inadequacy. Instead, keep the focus on them. You might say, “I’m thinking of you and everything you’re going through. You don’t have to go through this alone.” Sometimes, simply reminding someone that they are supported is far more meaningful than sharing a success story.
Questions can also be tricky. Asking, “When are you going to have kids?” or “Have you tried…?” can feel intrusive, especially if someone has not chosen to share their journey. Even well-intentioned curiosity can come across as pressure or judgment. A more respectful approach is to let them lead. If they open up, follow their cues. If they don’t, that’s okay too.
It’s also important to recognize that silence can sometimes feel just as painful as the wrong words. Avoiding the topic altogether out of fear of saying the wrong thing can leave someone feeling unseen. Acknowledging their experience, especially around days like Mother’s Day, can mean more than you might realize. Even something as simple as, “I know today might be hard, and I’m thinking of you,” can go a long way. It shows awareness, compassion, and that you are willing to sit with them in the discomfort, rather than trying to find a way to fix how they are feeling or ignoring it altogether.
One of the most meaningful things you can offer someone going through infertility is just your presence. Let them feel what they need to feel without trying to change it. Some days they may want to talk. Other days they may not. Both are okay.
It’s also helpful to remember that infertility is not just a medical journey, it’s an emotional one. It can impact relationships, self-worth, identity, and mental health. The grief is often ongoing and layered, especially when milestones pass, treatments fail, or timelines extend beyond what was expected. This is why language matters so much. Words have the power to either deepen someone’s sense of isolation or help them feel supported and understood.
As Mother’s Day approaches, it’s worth taking a moment to think about the people in your life who may be quietly struggling. They may not post about it. They may not talk about it openly. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t carrying it. Showing up with empathy doesn’t require having all the right answers. It only requires being willing to listen, to acknowledge, and to care.
The most meaningful support you can offer to those walking through infertility often comes from the simplest places: a text message, a quick check-in, an acknowledgment that their journey matters. And sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say is simply: “I see you. I’m here.”
Written by Angela Kratzberg