When you start your surrogacy journey, one of the first things we’ll talk about is your matching preferences. And I want to say something upfront: this isn’t about building a checklist for a perfect surrogate. It’s about building alignment for a relationship. Because that’s what this is. Surrogacy is not just medical coordination and legal contracts. It’s two families choosing to walk together for a year and sometimes longer!
So when you’re creating your profile, I encourage you to think beyond “healthy pregnancy” and “location of the surrogate.” Of course, those matter, but matching is deeper than logistics.
Let’s talk about what that really looks like…
Relationship Expectations Between Surrogate & Intended Parents
First, relationship expectations. Do you picture weekly texts and bump photos? Do you imagine attending appointments (virtually or in person) and celebrating milestones together? Or are you more private by nature and prefer scheduled updates? There isn’t a right or wrong answer here. Some Intended Parents want a friendship-style connection that continues long after birth. Others feel most comfortable with clear boundaries and a well-meaning close to the journey. What matters is being honest about what feels natural to you. Pretending you’re “fine either way” when you really aren’t can create tension and disappointment later.
Communication Between Surrogate & Intended Parents
Communication style and frequency matter more than most people realize. Are you someone who processes things out loud and often? Or do you take time to think before responding? How do you handle stress? How do you handle conflict? Do you prefer text or phone calls? Would you prefer once a week or are you okay with whatever happens organically? These aren’t questions people always expect in surrogacy, but they can shape the entire journey.
Then there are the more difficult topics, such as termination and selective reduction. These conversations are not easy, but they are essential. You and your surrogate must be aligned in your values and decision-making if a complex medical situation arises. This isn’t about identical belief systems, but rather about knowing you could walk through something difficult with mutual respect and shared expectations.
Clinic Location For Surrogate & Travel Logistics for Intended Parents
Clinic location and travel logistics are also important. Is your clinic local to the surrogate, or would she need to travel for screening and transfer? Are you open to matching out of state? Travel affects time away from her family, childcare needs, missed work, and cost when budgeting for your journey.
Lifestyle Alignment Between Surrogate & Intended Parents
Faith, culture, and lifestyle alignment can also play a role. For some families, shared faith brings immediate comfort. For others, it’s less about religion and more about health practices, vaccination views, diet choices, or overall lifestyle choices. Again, this isn’t about finding someone who is identical to you. It’s about knowing where flexibility exists and where it doesn’t.
And then there’s a piece that sometimes gets overlooked when people focus heavily on logistics – you!
Who are you outside of surrogacy? When a surrogate reads your profile, she’s not just reading about your infertility story or how many embryos you have ready for transfer. She’s trying to understand who you are as humans. What do you love to do on weekends? Do you have pets? Are you homebodies or adventurers? What kind of music is always playing in your house? What traditions matter to you? What makes you laugh? Your personality matters in matching!
Surrogates are not just choosing a journey; they’re choosing people. They’re imagining what it will feel like to text you after an appointment. They’re picturing the hospital room. They’re thinking about what kind of parents you’ll be and how it will feel to hand you your baby at the end of the journey. Let them see you! Let them see your quirks, your hobbies, your golden retriever who insists on being in every family photo, your love for Sunday dinners, your travel dreams, and your routines. The more human your profile feels, the easier it is to find someone who genuinely connects with you.
Matching isn’t about perfection. It’s about clarity, emotional maturity, and shared expectations. The strongest matches I’ve seen are not the ones where everything looked identical on paper. They’re the ones where both sides felt seen, respected, and aligned before ever signing a contract.
When you sit down to think about your matching preferences, try asking yourself this instead of “What do we want in a surrogate?”: What kind of relationship do we want to build? That shift can change everything! And when you answer that honestly, it allows me to guide you toward someone who won’t just carry your baby, but will walk this journey with you in a way that feels steady, safe, and aligned.
A Simple Takeaway: Questions to Ask Yourself When Thinking About Matching Preferences
If you’re feeling a little overwhelmed after reading all of this, that’s completely normal. Surrogacy asks you to think about things most people have never had to consider before. The good news is you don’t need to have every answer immediately. These conversations evolve over time, and part of our role as an agency is helping guide you through them.
Sometimes it helps to take a step back from the bigger concepts and start with simple reflection questions. If you’re creating your Intended Parent profile or thinking about the kind of match that would feel right for your family, here are some questions you can keep in mind as you move forward.
Questions About the Surrogacy Relationship
- Are we comfortable building a friendship with our surrogate, or do we prefer clearer boundaries?
- What kind of relationship would feel most natural for us during the journey?
- Do we picture frequent communication or more structured updates?
- Would we like to attend appointments virtually or in person if possible?
- How important is it for us to stay connected after the baby is born?
Questions About Surrogacy Communication
- How do we typically communicate when something stressful is happening?
- Are we comfortable having open conversations if something feels difficult or uncomfortable?
- Do we prefer texting, phone calls, email, or scheduled check-ins?
- How often would we realistically expect updates?
Questions About Surrogacy Logistics
- Are we open to matching with a surrogate who lives out of state?
- Are we prepared for travel for screening or, if needed, embryo transfer?
- What flexibility do we have in our timeline?
- Are we comfortable with the financial and logistical realities of travel?
Questions About Values and Decision-Making
- Have we discussed our views on termination or selective reduction with our clinic and each other?
- How do we make difficult decisions together as a couple or individual parent?
- Are there any beliefs or values that feel particularly important for us to share with our surrogate?
Questions About Showing Who You Are
- What do we want a surrogate to know about our daily life?
- What hobbies or traditions make our home feel like us?
- What kind of parents do we hope to be?
- What moments in life bring us the most joy?
These questions are not meant to limit your options or create rigid expectations. Instead, they help clarify what will make you feel supported and comfortable during such a meaningful experience.
The truth is that the best matches rarely happen because every detail lines up perfectly. They happen because both sides show up honestly, communicate openly, and respect the shared goal of bringing a child into the world.
When you take the time to think through these questions and reflect on what matters most to you, you’re not just building a stronger profile. You’re laying the foundation for a healthier, more connected surrogacy journey from the very beginning.
And that foundation makes all the difference.
Angela Kratzberg, Intended Parent Director